pilman
A mind as clear as a polished mirror
Hello there, been struggling significantly since 2013 but things became much worse during the pandemic. I was already dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder and severe anxiety. The beginning of 2020 was ok, I flew down to Colombia with my wife and then things changed after that
I see what this pandemic has done to my son, what its done to my mom and stepdad, my stepdad will never have the same quality of life and I feel terrible. He lost his biological son to a heart attack a few years ago, and his mom passed, he survived hepatitus and a rare form of leukemia only to be diagnosed with host versus graph disease, he nearly lost his life and is on permanent oxygen, I see it in his eyes the despair and the loneliness, a man that is waiting for his time. I try my best to comfort him, my wife the same. My mother is also suffering, she lost her job and dealing with many health issues and was diagnosed with skin cancer which turned out to be more severe than we thought and is going through multiple surgeries. My mom is 65 years old and I dont imagine she and my stepdad imagined this was what life would be like.
My family we have had some good moments, we got a 2016 honda crv recently, bought a house (we were very fortunate), ended up going full solar, my wife got a new job, I been working a lot of mandatory overtime and constantly in fear of losing my job. I do have backup savings and could support the family for about a year or more if needbe with the funds but my 401k cannot be taken out while employed, I have gold and silver saved, a bunch of collectibles and I figured if we needed to survive longer those options exist.
In the US gas prices are going up, we see more homeless in tents daily, food prices are going up to where its unaffordable, crime has also gone up. I been trying to prepare us by stockpiling emergency food kits, a garden, purchased guns, meat freezer in the garage. Additionally I did what I could to get my wifes family out of Colombia sponsoring them because they are our family and things are getting very unsafe there so my mother in law and father in law are living with us.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist, got switched off from zoloft to now being on Welbutrin, Paxil, Ativan, Lunesta, and I have gained quite a bit of weight. It does help with intrusive thoughts but just working all the overtime, most important I have a 3 year old son and I am trying to protect him from all the chaos. I do my best but the social distancing has been hard for him, the masks, he likes to help me with the garden and ride his bicycle, he is a neatness freak which is unique for a 3 year old, wants me to read stories before he goes to sleep and likes to watch me play games if I get time.
I think all of this is just building up and I legitimately feel mentally and physically exhausted. When I hit the bed, my eyes are just red and I feel like I struggle to breathe, even my cpap isnt bringing me much comfort. I keep my thoughts inside because any signs of weakness I feel like can take out the foundation. I am so focused on just preserving what we have but my mindset is that I am either going to just have a heart attack or mentally be so detatched that I just become mute and I dont want that. Everyday the media, the news its the same stuff...the price of everything, the markets, covid, like we are being punished and to talk about this, I think it upsets people or they feel like its just feeling sorry for ones self.
By Morning I just drink the strongest coffee I can, keep preparing ways to preserve and increase wealth, keep preparing and I think theres a point where some things are out of our control. I really just want to enjoy life, spend time with family, be healthy and give my family a safe loving home.
I know at some point, I am either going to get sick or be out of a job, when that happens, the inevitable will happen where money runs out, food runs out, etc. I learned a lot when I was traveling South America and poverty what it does to people. I been in that situation and I just dont want to end up like that again.
I see what this pandemic has done to my son, what its done to my mom and stepdad, my stepdad will never have the same quality of life and I feel terrible. He lost his biological son to a heart attack a few years ago, and his mom passed, he survived hepatitus and a rare form of leukemia only to be diagnosed with host versus graph disease, he nearly lost his life and is on permanent oxygen, I see it in his eyes the despair and the loneliness, a man that is waiting for his time. I try my best to comfort him, my wife the same. My mother is also suffering, she lost her job and dealing with many health issues and was diagnosed with skin cancer which turned out to be more severe than we thought and is going through multiple surgeries. My mom is 65 years old and I dont imagine she and my stepdad imagined this was what life would be like.
My family we have had some good moments, we got a 2016 honda crv recently, bought a house (we were very fortunate), ended up going full solar, my wife got a new job, I been working a lot of mandatory overtime and constantly in fear of losing my job. I do have backup savings and could support the family for about a year or more if needbe with the funds but my 401k cannot be taken out while employed, I have gold and silver saved, a bunch of collectibles and I figured if we needed to survive longer those options exist.
In the US gas prices are going up, we see more homeless in tents daily, food prices are going up to where its unaffordable, crime has also gone up. I been trying to prepare us by stockpiling emergency food kits, a garden, purchased guns, meat freezer in the garage. Additionally I did what I could to get my wifes family out of Colombia sponsoring them because they are our family and things are getting very unsafe there so my mother in law and father in law are living with us.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist, got switched off from zoloft to now being on Welbutrin, Paxil, Ativan, Lunesta, and I have gained quite a bit of weight. It does help with intrusive thoughts but just working all the overtime, most important I have a 3 year old son and I am trying to protect him from all the chaos. I do my best but the social distancing has been hard for him, the masks, he likes to help me with the garden and ride his bicycle, he is a neatness freak which is unique for a 3 year old, wants me to read stories before he goes to sleep and likes to watch me play games if I get time.
I think all of this is just building up and I legitimately feel mentally and physically exhausted. When I hit the bed, my eyes are just red and I feel like I struggle to breathe, even my cpap isnt bringing me much comfort. I keep my thoughts inside because any signs of weakness I feel like can take out the foundation. I am so focused on just preserving what we have but my mindset is that I am either going to just have a heart attack or mentally be so detatched that I just become mute and I dont want that. Everyday the media, the news its the same stuff...the price of everything, the markets, covid, like we are being punished and to talk about this, I think it upsets people or they feel like its just feeling sorry for ones self.
By Morning I just drink the strongest coffee I can, keep preparing ways to preserve and increase wealth, keep preparing and I think theres a point where some things are out of our control. I really just want to enjoy life, spend time with family, be healthy and give my family a safe loving home.
I know at some point, I am either going to get sick or be out of a job, when that happens, the inevitable will happen where money runs out, food runs out, etc. I learned a lot when I was traveling South America and poverty what it does to people. I been in that situation and I just dont want to end up like that again.