Mental Health Dojo

so many heartwrenching stories in this thread.. thank you people for sharing them, it sure helps someone who may be in the similar situation. Life can be a cruel bitch sometimes which puts us down on our knees with no hope to speak of. I usually just pray then.. It can help to go on
 
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Added Edit: I probably should've provided some context here. This drawing represents my underlying fears (largely within a religious context if you look close) and lingering thoughts that were heightened during the dark winter months of 2020. You'll see left to right Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, and sandwiched between the two depicts the rolling hills of Appalachia in Central Pennsylvania. I left the life I built in Philly (one that was desirable in terms of staying sharp and productive, as well as a strong social group -- something I didn't have, and mostly dreamed of, growing up in my hometown a little ways north of Pittsburgh). I left everything in Philly in the middle of the night, literally, assuming the worst because I grew up reading and fearing about a coming pandemic (I was prepared!). I ended up back in my hometown area, considering I could easily isolate from people, and have cheaper living expenses in a somewhat limited economy. You'll see, too, all the thoughts surrounding me are intentionally sloppy because they're just that...thoughts (i.e., discombobulated and unclear).

I somehow lucked out in spring 2021 in making my way back to Philly, because I was able to retain everything I had before I left, besides my old apartment (and some of that social group). I did, however, gain something when I purchased my "almost' dream truck (2021 Toyota Tacoma TRD Sport 4x4). Life's not the same here, though, and much of that spirit, stemming from love relationships and the excitement of that -- along with urban living -- are literally gone -- the fantasy, the novelty of it all. Plus, the restaurant I worked at before the pandemic, and that I ended up coming back to (where I constructed this life boosting social community), was destroyed by hurricane Ida. Needless, I was getting tired of the industry anyways (people suck), and I have a small carpentry business I do on my own that I much prefer, so I'm now doing that and teaching college as I try to navigate and complete my degree. That goes without saying, the situation has been, fortunately, steady for me, financially (throughout this whole ordeal), but the glitter in terms of social life (as for many) is hollowed out -- empty. There's something missing I can't exactly pinpoint, and while I think I know what it is, I'm afraid to act on it or admit to it. And I think that's the hardest part is trying to let go. It might never come back.
 
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Well... the last week/10 days have been completely fucked up for me. Last week, one of my co-workers accused me of spreading rumors around my colleague, who had a very stupid experience with two of the other coworkers that I'm not going to describe into detail. She accused me in front of as many coworkers as possible, prompting me to take a day off, but before that I went to a nearby Chinese restaurant where for the very first time in my life I managed to shitface myself with some beer and liquor.
The following day I stayed home as a result of my drinking and the accusations. In my mind however I had a cesspool of hatred, racing thoughts, past harrowing experiences and suicide attempts. I started calling my friends, my relatives, even my past teachers and professors, saying that I'm going to kill myself. Not long after that I called 112 (the European/Slovene version of 911), where I described my feelings and they told me, that they're going to send an ambulance and the police over to my house. I got dressed, and waited first for a police cruiser, where I met two very comforting policemen, and then 45 minutes later the ambulance arrived. When I arrived at the psychiatric ward the doctors told me I have two options: either to stay for a month with them at the ward, or wait for a relative to come pick me up at the main hall at the opposite end of the hospital. I chose the latter.
Now, a week later I once again spiralled into depression after finding out that my parents wish to retire me at just 26 years of age. I don't even have a single day of working experience behind me, but because of my diagnosis it would be a better choice for me, as it would give me more freedom and a much better financial situation. I guess the future for me is not so bright, but as always the situation could've been much worse.
 
Shansun95 said:
Well... I guess the future for me is not so bright, but as always the situation could've been much worse.
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Thank you for sharing this. That was very powerful and inspiring, I'm older than you (35) and it took me until I was like 31/32 before I could openly talk about my issues at all, and longer to share it with "strangers".

"Always in motion, the future is"

Please make sure you REST above all, and take comfort in knowing you have relatives that are looking out for you (and it's 100% acceptable for you to have issues with HOW they are looking out for you, but those two can and do co-exist).

Again, I think it's awesome that you're 26 years old and willing to post this about yourself; that's such a sign of strength (even though you might feel it's out of weakness, those two also co-exist).
 
Thank you @Obi_Frans for your support. So happy meeting you on our forums, I appreciate your message a lot!

Unfortunately, I have an update on what just happened to me: Today while waiting for an American friend to go sight-seeing in my city, a woman of Bosnian descent, who was slightly older than me came to me of all people and started panhandling for money. I always have the following feeling when someone does this: give the person money, otherwise they might hurt or even kill you. What I did was practically unthinkable and worth condemning: because I wanted to be left alone, I opened my wallet and actually gave her money. It was a little over 30€ but for someone like me, who practically needs money for my living it was an act of stupidity. Surely I'm a level 3 handicapped individual, but I always live in fear that more and more people are becoming insane and might hurt me if I say no.
The friend had to comfort me the whole time and instead of taking the bus, he offered to give me a ride home as a safer way. Note to myself: I will never ever take my wallet with me anymore, nor will I ask my father for an allowance, because I do not deserve it. What have I done that God decided to punish me this way?
 
Went to the doctors today for my monthly check in. Did a weigh in...I'm down 5kg. :blush: I've been clean of Soft Drink for a month. I went cold turkey. I've been trying to eat better and take better care of myself and I'm down...5kg.

Today was a good day :blush:
 
Van Joel Sandwich said:
Any of you guys ever heard about spirituality?
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I'm not "triggered" by this question, but unless you're being sarcastic (if so, ya got me!), I don't know if that's a helpful question, esp. stated that bluntly.

Spirituality and mental health aren't the same; moreover, one may aim for both but have a deficiency on either side. I'll admit my own bias (a practicing Catholic in terms of spirituality and, to my knowledge, someone with good mental health), but I know many spiritual folks (religious, irreligious, or whatever) who also have mental health difficulties and vice versa. To blend the two doesn't solve anything. They may well coincide, either well or in a mess.

I personally think we all need some spirituality to relate to mental health (even Ryo has his own growth into Buddhism), but "try being spiritual!" doesn't help most at their brink. Again, I don't want to sound Karen style "cancel culture" and I'm not angry, but I hope you're not talking down to the people in here with real difficulties.
[I'll behave, mods; I just want to get this out there.]
 
Yep, exactly that. The whole point of this thread is so be an open space, so if spirituality has helped you personally with your mental health, then we're fine if you want to discuss that.

But please don't offer it up as some kind of magic solution that can fix any problem. The last thing we want is to invalidate or dismiss anybody's struggles where a change of mindset simply isn't enough.
 
How is it one can go from feeling genuinely happy to feeling like shit in one day?

So I've been quite productive lately in Premiere. I can't say everything I've made is great but for the most part, I've been pretty happy with just learning Premiere and learning how to edit in general. I didn't set out to be the greatest editor overnight but I wanted to push myself to learn a new craft.

I posted a video on my Instagram (not related to the Shenmue page I have btw...this is nothing to do with the Shenmue community...this is something else)...it did okay numbers.

It didn't exactly gain traction though but to be honest, I didn't really expect it to either. And I didn't really care. I just wanted to make something to see if I could do it. Anyways, I received a nice comment from a friend of mine who has been in the Japanese film industry for years now and he complimented me on my editing. He gave me some constructive criticism and tips but ultimately gave me some praise.

I was really flattered by this as I didn't expect him to watch anything I made and so I ran to Instagram and in my moment of feeling happy about life for a change, I spoke out loud about this.

Then I got one comment. One comment that served to kick me in the teeth. "Hey, don't get cocky! That video did so poorly and didn't gain traction whatsoever."

And instantly I just felt myself kicked in the gut. I knew the video wasn't gonna do great numbers. I have no reputation. I don't promote myself in anyways. I just throw shit out there and see if it gets seen organically from time to time. But that one comment just stung. It really made me feel like those hours of doing something I thought was productive just meant fuck all. Even worse, its like the confirmation of that little voice inside screaming "you have no talent whatsoever...you are worthless...why'd you even think about trying this in the first place?"

Now I know its stupid and inane to listen to the voice of one hater online and let one person tear you down, but it really stung. Why couldn't they just let me be happy? Let me have my moment of bliss?

Yeah, I know...grow a thicker skin on the internet. I get it. I know its stupid to let one person get the better of me, but it did. It really hurt for about half a day.

I guess my greatest fear is that I have nothing to offer this world and that I'm just this extremely tralentless bozo who will never amount to anything more than another cog in the wheel. I don't know. Part of me knows I should just brush it off and ignore it. Knowing full well its just a person trying to tear you down to make them feel better about themselves.

The other part of me thinks; we spend our lives looking for constant approval...does it really fucking matter in the end? Not everyone is going to like everything you do. Who cares what one person has to say?

Anyways I don't know where I was going with this anymore...I just went from a day of feeling extremely happy to being made to feel like shit in the span of a day.

Social media really does suck sometimes. It really can kill the joy in you just like that.
 
Well, I wouldn't let postings kill your joy. Remember, much of commenting can easily be taken out of context. It doesn't always have to be dread, and it's not, it's just repeatedly seems so, because of the subject matter (i.e., a mental health sector of the forum). Wouldn't you agree that when you can dish out personal vices you're actually at your most comforting/peaceful state to do so? For example, my post above was done at the peak of feeling relaxed. It actually helped me fuel my brain, creatively, to get my lecture completed. It's great to share some tidbits, and be it centered around this collective nostalgia (or spirit) of Shenmue. Am I making sense, or just using my horseshit professor talk?
 
ManoTemple said:
Well, I wouldn't let postings kill your joy. Remember, much of commenting can easily be taken out of context. It doesn't always have to be dread, and it's not, it's just repeatedly seems so, because of the subject matter (i.e., a mental health sector of the forum). Wouldn't you agree that when you can dish out personal vices you're actually at your most comforting/peaceful state to do so? For example, my post above was done at the peak of feeling relaxed. It actually helped me fuel my brain, creatively, to get my lecture completed. It's great to share some tidbits, and be it centered around this collective nostalgia (or spirit) of Shenmue. Am I making sense, or just using my horseshit professor talk?
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It makes sense :blush:
 
danielmann861 said:
How is it one can go from feeling genuinely happy to feeling like shit in one day?

So I've been quite productive lately in Premiere. I can't say everything I've made is great but for the most part, I've been pretty happy with just learning Premiere and learning how to edit in general. I didn't set out to be the greatest editor overnight but I wanted to push myself to learn a new craft.

I posted a video on my Instagram (not related to the Shenmue page I have btw...this is nothing to do with the Shenmue community...this is something else)...it did okay numbers.

It didn't exactly gain traction though but to be honest, I didn't really expect it to either. And I didn't really care. I just wanted to make something to see if I could do it. Anyways, I received a nice comment from a friend of mine who has been in the Japanese film industry for years now and he complimented me on my editing. He gave me some constructive criticism and tips but ultimately gave me some praise.

I was really flattered by this as I didn't expect him to watch anything I made and so I ran to Instagram and in my moment of feeling happy about life for a change, I spoke out loud about this.

Then I got one comment. One comment that served to kick me in the teeth. "Hey, don't get cocky! That video did so poorly and didn't gain traction whatsoever."

And instantly I just felt myself kicked in the gut. I knew the video wasn't gonna do great numbers. I have no reputation. I don't promote myself in anyways. I just throw shit out there and see if it gets seen organically from time to time. But that one comment just stung. It really made me feel like those hours of doing something I thought was productive just meant fuck all. Even worse, its like the confirmation of that little voice inside screaming "you have no talent whatsoever...you are worthless...why'd you even think about trying this in the first place?"

Now I know its stupid and inane to listen to the voice of one hater online and let one person tear you down, but it really stung. Why couldn't they just let me be happy? Let me have my moment of bliss?

Yeah, I know...grow a thicker skin on the internet. I get it. I know its stupid to let one person get the better of me, but it did. It really hurt for about half a day.

I guess my greatest fear is that I have nothing to offer this world and that I'm just this extremely tralentless bozo who will never amount to anything more than another cog in the wheel. I don't know. Part of me knows I should just brush it off and ignore it. Knowing full well its just a person trying to tear you down to make them feel better about themselves.

The other part of me thinks; we spend our lives looking for constant approval...does it really fucking matter in the end? Not everyone is going to like everything you do. Who cares what one person has to say?

Anyways I don't know where I was going with this anymore...I just went from a day of feeling extremely happy to being made to feel like shit in the span of a day.

Social media really does suck sometimes. It really can kill the joy in you just like that.
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Due to me indeed having a thick skin (thanks, Mom, Dad and bullying), I literally would have deleted the comment, then DM'd the person and either give them a big "f you," or just delete the comment and be done with it.

The Bengals lost last night (and I've been gutted/had a hard time sleeping) and the toxicity being put into the world by haters and even some of our loser fans, whether on social media, fansites or message boards, is sickening and makes me want to ignore it EVEN MORE. Thus, for IG, I'd just leave it either private or ignore the idiots, as toxicity is in every nook and cranny of the internet.

To add to that personally, my company is not doing well at all (but my job isn't in danger; Credit Unions don't, "go out of business," they simply get amalgamated with another CU) and the employee I work closest with (and a good friend) quit on Friday, plus another member of my team I've worked with the longest (since 3 months after I got hired, back in 2017) is going to be quitting this week, as he too has gotten a job and the person put in place to replace them (one of the people leaving is a supervisor), is completely useless and has 0 clue what they're doing.

Ever since my boss left last year (because her newly-instated superiors were/are useless), her replacement (who is the epitome of useless) has destroyed the retail banking side of our company (they run the retail side of things) and the branches, us at the Contact Centre (I'm not on the phones, but I do work for the CC in every way OTHER than answering the phone: it's a supervisor position, I just don't have that specific title. Hate talking on the phone lol) and any other retail-related business sector, has be thrown into turmoil and bullshit and it's just been a toxic and depressing environment since June of 2021. For someone who takes work seriously and puts his all into it (I came in an hour early {unpaid}, since I couldn't sleep this morning, for example), this is beyond depressing and a downer and that's been my life for the last 9 months or so.

This is all stuff I WILL get over and soon (and relative to other people's issues, this is VERY small potatoes, I totally understand and acknowledge it), but with the loss last night, everything just hit too hard, too fast.
 
Truck_1_0_1_ said:
Due to me indeed having a thick skin (thanks, Mom, Dad and bullying), I literally would have deleted the comment, then DM'd the person and either give them a big "f you," or just delete the comment and be done with it.
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After talking to someone in private messages here on this board, I think I came to the realization of shrug it off. Just enjoy and keep making stuff and don’t worry about the opinions of one insecure twat. Who cares about ”traction” and views. Not like I’m doing this to make a living. I’m just doing this for the fun of it.

As such, I’m back in Premiere working once again

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Alright guys, I'm back with an update: I am currently on a two-month-and-a-half sick leave after the harrowing experience in the beginning of this month. Right now I'm doing everything I can to enjoy it, be it video games, working out, browsing the web, spirituality, etc. This tuesday I'm going on a psychiatric clinic for about a month and a half to get treated for my obesity via strict hospital diet. You're probably wondering why: it's because it turned out I don't have a sufficient medicamental therapy and the current pills are only making it worse for my body weight to be controlled. Anyway, I am feeling a whole lot better in terms of my mental health, but could use some additional PT to keep me in shape. Fortunately now that I have time I'll be able to get a lot more done.
 
Rest and relaxation seems like the most-perfect thing for you at this time, Shansun; I'm glad you're getting some well-needed help and you will see that you will come out on the other side, in a better way than you were when you go in.

Praying for the best to happen!
 
I've been wanting to post here for quite some time, but I tell myself that what i'm going through is a phase and tomorrow i'll feel fine. I've been thinking that way for a few weeks now, but now I just feel so crap and so defeated.

As i've mentioned, i've been depressed on and off and been recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I'm lucky in that my depression is realtively minor, but i'm also deeply sensitive and feel more deeply than the average person. At the moment, there's so much going on that I cannot control and trying to make sense of it is bringing me to the point of tears.

Both my dogs (Butters and Lucy) are on their last legs. Both are around 13 years old and have had good innings, but every day I keep thinking they are closer to dying. Lucy-dog (a basset) has been feeling sluggish and all her hair is coming off. She's got sores and blisters all over her body. Butters-dog (golden retirever cross breed) is struggling to walk. We have to help him get up every time. Once he's up, he can move OK. He just went out for a wee and he slipped on some mud and fell over. It breaks my heart to see them struggling.

At the same time, my father has been off work for the last few months. He's frequently exhausted. He was due to start some agency work this week and his back caved in. He looks like he's in pain all the time. With the cost of living crisis, I worry that I will have to help pay for the bills and what not.

My brother had his kid the other week and whilst i'm happy the baby is healthy, he is a constant reminder that the mother is an awful piece of work whose existence makes me miserable. She has said evil lies about friends of mine (she made false rape allegations) and no matter how hard I try, she keeps coming back into my life.

I'm anxiously waiting to hear about a new house to buy, but the cost of living crisis is making me anxious. In the UK, utility bills have doubled and could get much worse. House prices have gone up £40k since the pandemic and I can only just about afford 40% of a house. It feels humiliating.

I haven't seen my girlfriend in almost 3 years although i'm greatful for whatsapp and texting. I'm feeling low because I want to protect her and for her to feel comfortable, but I feel so powerless at the moment. She is asking lots of questions about living in the UK and i'm doing my best to answer, but there are some things I can't. I'm worried about her immigration status. She got a masters degree in the UK, but our government is pretty evil and I am worried her visa will be denied because the current government hate foreigners at the moment. It makes me sick.

All the while, i'm struggling at work. I took a half day off today as I was going to go to the cinema (my safe haven), but the film has been cancelled. I got told off at work for losing my shit at someone who was only doing their job. I am very defensive and whilst some colleagues are kind and supportive, I do not get that feeling from everybody. I'm so ashamed of my behaviour and am not so quiet so as to not exist.

All of these things are making me feel like dirt. I'm doing the best I can, but I feel so powerless, not to mention the evils of the wider world going on at the moment. Part of me feels like I should take sick leave for stress, but I feel ashamed to do so. I'm going on holiday in a couple of weeks (Madeira) and hopefully I will feel better, but I just feel like I want to burst into tears.

The one I love is half a world away from me, my pets are dying, my father is unwell, i'm not getting along with my brother, i'm cutting family out of my life, work is a struggle and I can see myself living on the breadline should I get this house i've spent over a decade saving up for.

I just want to cry so much right now 😥
 
Keep fighting is all I can say; like you said, "tomorrow I'll feel fine." The day may not come tomorrow, but it won't be this bad always; things will improve and you just need to take the wins you can get, with the losses. Find the silver lining in everything!

As for your G/F, if she got her Masters in the UK and she has the books under her belt, not to mention she's coming from Japan (a foreign country of course, but it's not like she'd be a refugee from Africa or the Middle East), I don't see why any country would deny them to come over. Of course, I am not intimate with the UK and their immigration rules, but I do know how the US and Canada operate and if you lived here and she wanted to come to live with you, with what she has going for her, she'd be allowed a Visa, no questions asked (ESPECIALLY in Canada).

Keep on keeping on and enjoy those films as much as possible :D
 
@bcdcdude

I feel you man! Personally, I sometimes think everything is just too much. Mental health, family business, relationships, the worlds problems etc. The list goes on and on in my head. So I can relate. Its by no means the same situation, but what I can say for sure is that you are not alone with your struggles. We as human beings have a lot on our plate in our lives. Sometimes all at once and some other times a little less. And other times even nothing. And the play of life continues.

What I want to say is. You are not alone and if I may. Its okay to cry and its okay to feel too much. Its okay! And like Truck_1_0_1 said before keep on keeping on.

And who knows. Maybe by this time tomorrow a little window opens up. Not the whole thing but a little one that shines a light of hope, good cheer and perspective on to you. Life has its funny way of showing us the way.

One little quote that always comforts me is: "There is no way that we can understand it all. So the heart’s response to that mystery is faith – a trust in the fundamental orderliness of the universe.” I am not a big traditional religious person and I think this quote can mean different things to different people. What I really like about it is that it puts something so vage and distant/cold like the universe into an order. Into something that mysteriously works for every being to find personal growth and happiness. And faith for me in this quote means trusting life. Okay now I am rambling :D :D

If something in this post helps take it and if its not helpful at all just forget about it.

Have a nice evening and a virtual hug from another dojo member.

All the best and with warmth,
Sailor San
 
Thank you both so much. It warms my heart to know there is goodness in the world.

I've still been struggling truth be told; I learned my father has been struggling financially and has cashed in his pension before retirement. I'm due to look at my house in a couple of weeks and know that i'm going to be struggling to keep my head above water as it is without the worry my family can't support themselves. But I sent a desperate plea out to my best friends for a pint this evening (even if it means me driving) and for a few hours i've been able to forget my problems and get into real discussions such as whether R.E.M's 1996 album "New Adventures In Hi-Fi" is underrated or not (it is).

I'm not terribly religious, but I grew up in a half religious/half athiest family, and I do find power in faith. Every Christmas Eve after I drop my friends home after our traditional Xmas Eve pint, I drive to the church in my old village. It's all lit up and midnight mass is happening. I don't go in, but at 10 to midnight I stand outside the church and count my blessings and pray for happiness for my loved ones. I try to keep the faith, even if it wavers, but I find more good in people than bad.

I talked to my girlfriend yesterday and I said I was ashamed I was on the verge of tears all the time recently. She smiled and said "you're just a delicate person". She makes fun of me a lot, but always in a playful, gentle way, but that warmed my heart. I've never had a proper relationship before her, so I work really hard to keep things going. I think she appreciates it as she said how kind I am (even when I think i'm not) and that keeps me going.

I am keeping busy this weekend meeting friends, so I hope to forget about my problems for a little while. I'm sure come Monday it'll return, but I have to keep faith my father will get better and their financial woes will sort itself out. I will of course help, but the timing with purchasing a house is really bad. My mother says not to worry, but I am a natural worrywort. If I can't fix a problem, I panic. I just wish I wasn't always so delicate and that I could think pragmatically.

Once again, thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me <3
 
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