I've been wanting to post here for quite some time, but I tell myself that what i'm going through is a phase and tomorrow i'll feel fine. I've been thinking that way for a few weeks now, but now I just feel so crap and so defeated.
As i've mentioned, i've been depressed on and off and been recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I'm lucky in that my depression is realtively minor, but i'm also deeply sensitive and feel more deeply than the average person. At the moment, there's so much going on that I cannot control and trying to make sense of it is bringing me to the point of tears.
Both my dogs (Butters and Lucy) are on their last legs. Both are around 13 years old and have had good innings, but every day I keep thinking they are closer to dying. Lucy-dog (a basset) has been feeling sluggish and all her hair is coming off. She's got sores and blisters all over her body. Butters-dog (golden retirever cross breed) is struggling to walk. We have to help him get up every time. Once he's up, he can move OK. He just went out for a wee and he slipped on some mud and fell over. It breaks my heart to see them struggling.
At the same time, my father has been off work for the last few months. He's frequently exhausted. He was due to start some agency work this week and his back caved in. He looks like he's in pain all the time. With the cost of living crisis, I worry that I will have to help pay for the bills and what not.
My brother had his kid the other week and whilst i'm happy the baby is healthy, he is a constant reminder that the mother is an awful piece of work whose existence makes me miserable. She has said evil lies about friends of mine (she made false rape allegations) and no matter how hard I try, she keeps coming back into my life.
I'm anxiously waiting to hear about a new house to buy, but the cost of living crisis is making me anxious. In the UK, utility bills have doubled and could get much worse. House prices have gone up £40k since the pandemic and I can only just about afford 40% of a house. It feels humiliating.
I haven't seen my girlfriend in almost 3 years although i'm greatful for whatsapp and texting. I'm feeling low because I want to protect her and for her to feel comfortable, but I feel so powerless at the moment. She is asking lots of questions about living in the UK and i'm doing my best to answer, but there are some things I can't. I'm worried about her immigration status. She got a masters degree in the UK, but our government is pretty evil and I am worried her visa will be denied because the current government hate foreigners at the moment. It makes me sick.
All the while, i'm struggling at work. I took a half day off today as I was going to go to the cinema (my safe haven), but the film has been cancelled. I got told off at work for losing my shit at someone who was only doing their job. I am very defensive and whilst some colleagues are kind and supportive, I do not get that feeling from everybody. I'm so ashamed of my behaviour and am not so quiet so as to not exist.
All of these things are making me feel like dirt. I'm doing the best I can, but I feel so powerless, not to mention the evils of the wider world going on at the moment. Part of me feels like I should take sick leave for stress, but I feel ashamed to do so. I'm going on holiday in a couple of weeks (Madeira) and hopefully I will feel better, but I just feel like I want to burst into tears.
The one I love is half a world away from me, my pets are dying, my father is unwell, i'm not getting along with my brother, i'm cutting family out of my life, work is a struggle and I can see myself living on the breadline should I get this house i've spent over a decade saving up for.
I just want to cry so much right now