bcdcdude
Dude with tweed :)
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2018
- Location
- United Kingdom
- Favourite title
- Shenmue
- Currently playing
- The Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel
- PSN
- bcdcdude
- Steam
- bcdcdude
[Stream of concsiousness post; apologies in advance]
So...as I type this, my fiancé is finally on her way to the UK to live with me. It's been a long and difficult road for us. We've been together for over 6 years and over 5 of them have been apart. Tomorrow afternoon, we are finally reunited and in 6 weeks we get married. I'm so excited, but i'm also so scared. I have such terrible imposter syndrome that I tell myself I don't deserve love and don't deserve to get married. I feel guilty that she is giving up her job at the Pokémon company and leaving her friends and family behind to live with a shy, insecure autsitic manchild. But then I spoke to her at the airport today (our first phone conversation in 3 weeks) and even though she was so tired, she was smiling and had a warmth about her that melts my heart. I can only hope I can be the best husband I can be.
I still want to do my own things (we have lots in common, but also not), but with the mindset that every time we're apart, it will make me happy to come home to her. It's going to be weird living with someone; especially as i've been living by myself for the last year and a bit (with my family a 15 minute drive away from me), but I hope we'll be OK.
Those in the UK will know about the Government's evil plans to make legal immigration more difficult. We moved our wedding forward at consideable stress so that we can get married and submit the next visa before the increases come in (which today was finally confimed to be 3 days before our original wedding date). However, after a long wait, I finally heard back from my MP and they basically said that the increased costs wouldn't apply to those who were approved beforehand....I am too ashamed to tell my fiance this because she went through so much to get to where we are. That said, I don't think I could've risked hoping things would turn out the way they did, so i'm relieved, but angry at the government.
We only have 6 weeks to sort out our wedding (the ceremony, reception and pub has been sorted out, but that's it) and submit the next visa, so we'll be hitting the ground running. I want us to relax and enjoy our reunion and now doubt we will, but I do think we'll have to stay busy. I can't afford a big wedding and we're both really shy (I want to do a first dance, but we're too embarassed...i've done a mix CD instead, so we will do this in private I think).
Others may remember family difficulties too. My father finally has a PiP appeal coming up after being out of work for a year, so I pray that will work out. My mother lost her job just before Christmas. She since had a temp job, but is now out of work again. My brother had a seizure and had an MRI scan yesterday. I still worry about his drinking. And my dear Butters-dog is sitll holding on at the age of 16. My heart is warmed that he still smiles even though he struggles so much. My family are good people and it makes me sad they struggle.
A realisation came to me recently. I've been up and down with melancholy all my life and I think I figured it out. The dreams and romantic thoughts in my head don't match what I see in real life. And that makes me sad. But i'm glad I get flashes of it :')
So my emotions are all over the place at the moment. The day i've dreamed of for years has finally arrived and I can only hope I can do my wife-to-be justice. I'm not perfect. I get upset and sad easily, I get distracted by shiny things and i'm still a scared child in a near 40 year old body, but i'm sincere and heartfelt.
So...as I type this, my fiancé is finally on her way to the UK to live with me. It's been a long and difficult road for us. We've been together for over 6 years and over 5 of them have been apart. Tomorrow afternoon, we are finally reunited and in 6 weeks we get married. I'm so excited, but i'm also so scared. I have such terrible imposter syndrome that I tell myself I don't deserve love and don't deserve to get married. I feel guilty that she is giving up her job at the Pokémon company and leaving her friends and family behind to live with a shy, insecure autsitic manchild. But then I spoke to her at the airport today (our first phone conversation in 3 weeks) and even though she was so tired, she was smiling and had a warmth about her that melts my heart. I can only hope I can be the best husband I can be.
I still want to do my own things (we have lots in common, but also not), but with the mindset that every time we're apart, it will make me happy to come home to her. It's going to be weird living with someone; especially as i've been living by myself for the last year and a bit (with my family a 15 minute drive away from me), but I hope we'll be OK.
Those in the UK will know about the Government's evil plans to make legal immigration more difficult. We moved our wedding forward at consideable stress so that we can get married and submit the next visa before the increases come in (which today was finally confimed to be 3 days before our original wedding date). However, after a long wait, I finally heard back from my MP and they basically said that the increased costs wouldn't apply to those who were approved beforehand....I am too ashamed to tell my fiance this because she went through so much to get to where we are. That said, I don't think I could've risked hoping things would turn out the way they did, so i'm relieved, but angry at the government.
We only have 6 weeks to sort out our wedding (the ceremony, reception and pub has been sorted out, but that's it) and submit the next visa, so we'll be hitting the ground running. I want us to relax and enjoy our reunion and now doubt we will, but I do think we'll have to stay busy. I can't afford a big wedding and we're both really shy (I want to do a first dance, but we're too embarassed...i've done a mix CD instead, so we will do this in private I think).
Others may remember family difficulties too. My father finally has a PiP appeal coming up after being out of work for a year, so I pray that will work out. My mother lost her job just before Christmas. She since had a temp job, but is now out of work again. My brother had a seizure and had an MRI scan yesterday. I still worry about his drinking. And my dear Butters-dog is sitll holding on at the age of 16. My heart is warmed that he still smiles even though he struggles so much. My family are good people and it makes me sad they struggle.
A realisation came to me recently. I've been up and down with melancholy all my life and I think I figured it out. The dreams and romantic thoughts in my head don't match what I see in real life. And that makes me sad. But i'm glad I get flashes of it :')
So my emotions are all over the place at the moment. The day i've dreamed of for years has finally arrived and I can only hope I can do my wife-to-be justice. I'm not perfect. I get upset and sad easily, I get distracted by shiny things and i'm still a scared child in a near 40 year old body, but i'm sincere and heartfelt.